Deciso

Driving.
The word means many things to me.
As a learner driver of 3 months and 4 (well, technically 5 now that I've finished writing the blog!) days it means freedom, fun, fascination.
But there is one word that always seems to enter my mind in a giant, flashing, red bubble: fear.

Driving makes me want to tear my hair out, cover my eyes and hide in a corner. Every time I look in my rear-view mirror and see a car behind me the 'Jaws' theme tune starts playing my head and I'm pretty sure my already overly-pale cheeks turn white. I always feel the need to try and prove I'm competent enough to be out on the roads. The pressure not to drive too slow or stall at traffic lights is what petrifies me about driving. Well, also the fact that if I crash I could kill myself or someone else (as I'm reminded of when I turn a corner in too high a gear and end up on the wrong side of the road.)

When I first got in a car the whole thing confused me. I assumed "accelerator pedal" meant "speed up pedal", "brake pedal" meant "slow down pedal" and "clutch pedal" meant "change gear pedal" and that was it. Simple. But no. For a start, to go forwards you lift the clutch up as well as accelerating a little...?! This is the opposite of everything I had ever been taught from the racing games I grew up playing. Driving wasn't as straight forward as I had hoped. But nevertheless I kept on trying, telling myself I would improve.

And then I had my first venture on main roads. This was not a pleasant experience. After only driving around the small town where I live (which has a speed limit of 30mph and where most people aren't too bothered to be stuck behind a learner driver) I was quietly confident about venturing out. This confidence was shattered within around a second, after having to drive along a 60mph road. Thing is, it wasn't the speed that bothered me, more the fact that cars now overtook me, beeping their horns, and shaking their fists. I kept telling myself I was a terrible driver, and wished my lessons would hurry up and end. I just wanted to get off the roads as fast as possible to avoid being a pain to all the people stuck behind me when I stalled at a roundabout, sat at a junction for ages too scared to pull out, or didn't turn tight enough round a corner, narrowly avoiding a head-on collision.

It's not that I'm a bad driver, I try and try not to get in people's way, to pay attention to road signs, to be in the right gear, to be in the right lane, to stay on the right side of the road... but mistakes, hesitations and doubts come with being a learner driver. And also, when other drivers see the giant L's on the car, I'm sure most of them assume that we cannot drive and expect us to annoy them somehow. It's just that when I make a mistake I try so hard not to make it again, I make ten different ones!

Just the other day I made a particularly bad mistake. I didn't realise there was one of those painted-on (I have to add - pathetic) roundabouts coming up and so didn't slow down enough, meaning that I pulled out right in front of a car. But not just any car. An ambulance. I nearly crashed into a vehicle that tries to save people. How ironic.
Thankfully the ambulance had seen me coming, and so I just kept driving along as fast as I could. Legally, of course.
The worst experience I've had though was when I was driving through a very small village where cars were parked on both sides of the road, meaning that cars were having to weave in and out of each other trying to get past from different directions. Oh and did I mention, I was trying to negotiate the car going uphill. This was one of my first lessons and so my car control really wasn't great. Lets just say I stalled around five times, and ended up with a queue of cars behind me, and a queue of cars in front of me, all trying to get past. Every time I had to re-start the car my heart would sink a little lower. I wanted to become invisible (and send flowers to everyone I'd held up). When I finally got past all the parked cars and up the hill I was so intent on keeping up to the speed limit, so as not to further annoy the drivers behind me, I forgot to slow down enough around pretty much every corner, which had my driving instructor fearing for her life, I swear!

These constant reminders that I'm driving a death-trap just don't make we want to be on the roads.

But actually that's not entirely true. Since I was little I've been quite independent. Every birthday I would remind my parents it was one year less until I'd never have to bother them for a lift somewhere again! It's this thought, that I can drive myself anywhere I want, that has got me back in the driver's seat and wanting to turn on the ignition. It's also this thought that inspired the title of this blog, "deciso", which means "with determination" in Italian (and is, yes, another musical term). Every time I feel like I just want the ground to swallow me up, or like I just want to give up, I get this determination inside me that makes me strive to get better. I want to be a good driver. I don't want to feel defeated or useless.

I want to read this back one day and laugh <3